What have I done ?

Just Shantal:

     I was so depressed because I didn't feel that he loves me that much anymore. I know he does, but I JUST KNOW. I believe him when he says he does and I say that I love him back, too. I was too upset that I posted a lot of things on Facebook, though not that controversial about how I feel about him, he reacts as if I did. The other posts are not about him, maybe he just thought they were, but no, they were not. He then tells my "brother" Jasper that I tell bad things about him in my posts and that he hates them (or in that case, me). What have I done worse than that against him? I know, I love him, that never changes, but I assume he does, too, in the same way. I appreciate the things he sacrifices for me. But I still expect that little effort from him to initiate.I feel that I am always the one who makes the first step forward, and he just follows. Meaning, if I don't start, he wouldn't. 

    I'm quite guilty, though. Guilty because I have been hurting him lately. Well, maybe. I just wish this situation doesn't affect me that much anymore, so I wouldn't post things like that, and he wouldn't be mad at me. When he gets mad at me for what I did for what he did (or didn't do), the situation becomes upside down, and I'm the one who becomes guilty. I think that I can deal with that. I know he loves me, -end of story-. I hope this problem would soon be over and we'd be as sweet as before. I didn't do anything to make him change the way he treats me now, right? I just don't know what to do now. I can't even talk to him about this because I'm afraid that I could make it worse. And of this gets worse, there'll be less chance to fix "us"

     I love him, I just don't know what to do next. Or, I know that I should talk to him about this, but how can I do this without getting under? I am kind of hoping that we could still be attached to each other as the way we were before. I started reading his messages that I saved, it all said "I love you too" or "love you too". There's always that "too". There are less than five of those messages that he told me he loved me first. I didn't tell him those three words for almost two weeks, waiting for him to tell that to me at least ONCE. But he didn't, and I couldn't hold those words inside me anymore, so I looked for a way to tell him that so he may at least notice what I was trying to say. I told him, "Mahal mo ba ko ?" ("Do you love me?"), he said yes and then there, I found my cue to tell him that I did too by saying "I love you too!". At least in that way, he sort of is the one who initiated. I thought it was a pretty smart idea. But still, he didn't get what I wanted from him. I also told him that I intended not to tell him those words, but I did because I was worried he'd think that I didn't love him anymore and that I was being cold to him.

     I just hope all of these problems be solved in a way that not one of us gets hurt. >.<

E is for effort.

Just Shantal:

     I went home to Bulacan yesterday. My main reason was to see JM, of course, but I had to attend the Living Rosary practice of the students, including him, so I supposed that he'll be there. When I came to the school, I wasn't really expecting a warm welcome from him. Later on, Farrah, my best friend, told me that JM's not there and that maybe he'd come back to school around 3pm. I texted JM if he'd come back at all but he said he would if I was there. I finally told him I was there and he barely believed it so I called him. We talked and he said he went somewhere with his dad and that he's not coming back for practice. I texted him again saying that I miss him so much and that it's such a great loss that we wouldn't be able to be together. He asked me why I didn't tell him that I would be showing up, I told him that I wanted to SURPRISE him. He answered that every time I planned on surprising him, I was in the wrong timing. I DIDN'T KNOW. I also didn't want him to be assured that I will be going there coz I don't know if there might be some emergencies or just happenings that wouldn't allow me to go, and he would be hurt if that happens. I didn't want to disappoint him. I now think of not surprising him, ever. At least I tried. My older "brother" Jasper told me that he had a talk with my boyfriend, asking him if he had spare time to go to Manila and surprise me. JM said he couldn't because he's going to be busy because of his periodical exams. I know I must understand that, but to think that JM said "effort" is not in his vocabulary, it made me upset. I know I couldn't do anything more about it. I guess I'll just continue on giving efforts for him, as I have always done. I won't wait for him to give anything in return anymore.

Still, I know he loves me, right ?

Self-studying music. :)

Musician:

     Today, I studied 'Unang Tikim' by Kamikazee. I haven't finished it yet, but I got the intro already. Gosh it really takes time to learn a new song. But I've got the motivation to continue the whole song. Then I'll be shredding in no time. I was actually planning on studying 'Master of Puppets' by Metallica to kind of impress my third cousin-slash-ex because when he told me that he plans on forming a band before, I wasn't that progressive yet. When I saw the tabs, they really look tough to play, but I'm sure I'll get it in no time if I put my hands on it and focus. 

Lots and lots of plans.

Just Shantal:

     This night when my dad came home (or just got up the house), he told me that the people that lived here before, which is my cousin and her mother. I suppose they will stay here for quite a while, that's why I can't show up at my alma mater (SMASN)  tomorrow to help in practicing the Marian Volunteers for the living rosary on the 25th. I really want to go home already, to JM's arms. :D

        

     I'm just kind of stuck here at the moment. I also need to wash clothes tomorrow. Mom said that dad told her that I could be paid for washing clothes. I am planning to buy the '50 shades of grey' book, I'm just intrigued with the line, "Laters, baby." .I really like how it sounds, but some people discourages me from reading it.

    Oh well, I'll still buy that, or if not, the 'Finale', the final book in the "Hush Hush" series of Becca Fitzpatrick. Or, I'll wait until I find a hardbound copy of 'Rapture', and 'Passion' (again, coz my copy's ruined by freaking termites) from the "Fallen" series of Lauren Kate. I want to be absorbed by a good novel again. :))

So much plans, so little time. :/

Crying because of a movie (kind of spoiler alert, though)

Just Shantal:

"A shoulder to sleep with."

                                --Emma Morley, One Day
                               (I really love this line of hers, it really made me laugh though I know this movie is tragic)

     I watched 'One Day' last night, featuring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess. 

     I think I'm in love with the guy !!! Haha, I adore him, though. He rocked the young and the old image of his character. Just because Emma (Anne's character) died, it was so tragic, and I cried though I watched this for the third time already. I covered my eyes when I knew that she was going to be bumped by that bus while riding her bike. And her last voice mail to Dex (Jim's character) resounds in my head before I went to sleep. Maybe even now.. I loved their story, except for that tragic part. One Day reminds me of 'If Only' starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and this Paul Nicholls guy.

    The movie was about rewinding time that has been lost from them, or something like that. It's just that at first, the girl died but in the morning, when the guy woke up, he was surprised that the girl was alive and there in their place. The same things from yesterday happened in that day and the guy kinda slowly realized that he might have been given a second chance and he treated his girl extra special with him thinking that the girl is supposed to die by a certain time in the evening, just like what happened yesterday. (so now I'm a movie reviewer? :D) Anyway, he meets a cab driver that sort of tells him what to do and then when it was the evening, he was so scared that when the girl rides that certain cab, the side where she's in will be crashed by another car at an intersection, in that specific time. He then decides to go with her in the cab, him being on that side thinking that he would change what happened. It turns out that at that time, which was 11:00 pm, i think, and the same place, and the same car, the accident still happened, but he was the one who died. I'm supposing that he was given a chance to do everything he wanted for the girl and/or change the whole event and their misunderstanding in the restaurant the first evening. Sort of like preparing him on his last day. It was really sad, all it left me were memories that I'd like to cry with. But it's a very good movie, though.

     It's not really bad to cry because of a movie, it just gets into our emotion. And I'd really appreciate guys who are willing to watch chick/sweet flicks with me. :D It may be unusual, but IT'S NOT GAY, okay? Guys like that will make girls think that she has him to cry on and cuddle with while watching it. Watching those kinds of movies with the guy I love really makes me happy. It's like a girl wants the guy to know what to do if at some times their lives seem like the movie they watched. I just like it being like that, girls sure agree. :3

Guys should probably start watching chick flicks, too.

So they know what to do for the best, for them and their other halves. <3

Hello, Semestral Break !! :D

Just Shantal:

     I just came home about an hour and a half ago from school and my final exams are over. Oyeaaaaaa !!! It's the epic semestral break !! My first almost-one-month-semestral-break! While I was in high school, the break only lasts for a week. This time, after breaks, I'd need to enroll myself to the second sem. What to do ....

     I may be playing Kingdom Hearts II coz I borrowed my cousin's PlayStation2, sweeeeeet. :D and post to my beloved blog.

     I'd also want to go to my hometown, to spend some sweet time with my BOYFRIEND, yeah I have a boyfriend and I am happy about that. :) His name is Jose Mari Magayanes, JM for short. Oyea, this pic is really upside down coz I took this while he was lying on my lap. <3 By then I may start posting to my other blog about me and him when I get new pictures of us together, but I'd still be using this one. :))

     CM has plans on going to Maragondon, Cavite for a team building-slash-outing for its members. Unfortunately, I wasn't given permission to join them. It would be on the 19th until the 20th, yes, overnight at the beach, I think. I mean, it's like the bestest thing that would give me such good memories with them but mom doesn't want  me to come. That's freaking evil. I know that parents just want to protect us from danger but for freakin' sake I'm already in college. They'd just make me miss a very important event.

     Anyways, I could probably suggest that you make a scrapbook this sem break if you have it. Just make your time productive as much as possible. Me and my other cousin plan on designing white sneakers with doodles and acrylic paint this coming weeks. By the second semester, I'd have new kicks to show off, it'd be fun to do, too. :)

Have a great semestral break. ^_^

Cirkulo Musikero, my family . c)))

Musician:

     In the first days of the first semester of my first year in college, I was busy signing up in organizations that caught my interest. I signed up in LPU LYCAJ (Lyceum of the Philippines University League of Young Communication Artists and Journalists) which is about making us students aware about the courses we chose and how to improve at it by means of conferences, talks from professionals, and seminars. I also saw a sign-up booth for this music organization so I did without being sure, I just didn't want to miss a chance to be involved and have fun in playing. Being a member required passing the audition, which I did and I am very proud to be in this org called 'Cirkulo Musikero'. They treat me as a member of their family and in CM, we are taught to use our chosen instrument and to play certain songs, or be comfortable in different genres. We bond, jam, and have fun when we have spare time. I am so happy to be one of them and to be with them for they are such nice people that you'd probably want to hang out with.

     This is the first event that I played in with them for our school. There were performers from the other campuses of LPU who danced and acted. Preparing for this event was so much fun, though this event made me so nervous, I was proud, too. CM, they are my family, definitely. :)) I just hope we'd stay like this forever, that even though our seniors graduate, we'd still be in touch and be as one. I'll sure stay with them until  I graduate, or maybe even then.

TIRA ! c)))

My Journalist side, to begin with.

Journalist:

     This is my first block, in my first year of college, and the first semester of the year. A-105 is the name of this block, although there are the irregular students, we still treat them the way we treat our block mates, they're like family, though sometimes I might not feel the love, but I know it's there. I thought these people would be hard to read, but they are almost just like me. Even if we have our own reasons of choosing this course, or being forced into it, for some of us, we still get along well and enjoy our lives as we did when we were in our own high school lives. We were the type of journalism students that meeting us along the corridors wouldn't make you uncomfortable with us because as the president of the student government said, we are the class of journalism that are not that serious, as in the type that all we think about are our studies and plain focus. We have fun, just so you know. Writing is not that hard when it is in your nature. Like this, I have just engaged in blog posting and now I'm addicted. I may sometimes think that posting is lame or what, but this is my passion and I think from now on, I will be enjoying this.

     People may say that I think taking this course is easy because I am still in the first semester, in other words, just the beginning and as we all know, the things in the beginning are easy, but as we go on, it will be hard and it will make us want to quit and regret ever starting. Though there are the threats to us future journalists, like the risks of death, imprisonment and stuff, we will continue this journey and achieve our goals despite the discouragements surrounding us. WE. WILL. PUSH. THROUGH. :D

     We took this photo at the garden of the National Press Club located in Intramuros, near our university. We went here to interview a journalist who works for a newspaper for our English project. My friend's dad works here so we had this limited resource in our hands. I admit that interviewing a person, or a professional, even, makes me very nervous, but in order to get that information, or tips for us students, I need to overcome that fear, so I kinda achieve what I was aiming for from an interview.

     This statement, I can say, is a Journalist's Swag . :D Not to boast, but what I'm saying is, we're not just Journalists and we're more than you could ever think we are. :))

     Our block was required to go to the Senate and listen to a hearing for our project in our politics subject. We were also required to make a reaction paper and attach a picture of us with our favorite senator. It was quite hard to commute to the Senate but we did it. What we heard was Senator Tito Sotto complaining about a blogger calling him a plagiarist for copying his statements from others, thus, drafting the 'Cyber-crime Law'. I didn't think that it would go this far. Anyways, we saw some other senators but some just showed up for the roll call and then left. We weren't able to take a picture with our chosen senators but we had a chance on this guy, the Senate President, who was very kind enough to let us, students, go inside his private office in which no media man is allowed. He was so kind that he allowed each of us to have our own turns having a picture with him with this huge official logo of the Senate. I consider myself one of the lucky ones. -redundant, I know.-

     If you think having opportunities like these is cool, then I tell you this, THESE are the perks of being a journalist. :D

My Musician side, to begin with.

Musician:

     I started playing guitar when I was in the 5th grade. I was just intrigued by that night when my dad brought an acoustic guitar home, but it was for mom. It was black and very light to carry. Days after that night, I noticed that my mom wasn't using it that much so I borrowed it and tried to learn playing it. I tried knowing the chords one by one, but when I asked my parents to teach me, the only one I learned was the G chord. From there, I thought they were too busy to teach me further so I kinda went on by myself. 

     I spent my time on the guitar after my afternoon classes until I knew a little bit more and had quite progress. The first song I learned to play was 'Hawak Kamay' by Yeng Constantino, using a song book. It had the basic chord set G-Em-D-C so I was able to work around it.

It didn't take long for me to have my own acoustic guitar. It was green, having a pick-up and was a bit heavier than my mother's.

     I continued studying it on my own and learned more songs until I was in high school. When I was in my 1st year, there was the 'Battle of the Bands' contest for the theme of the Nutrition Month event. My guy classmates in the first section signed up and got me as their rhythm guitarist, along with another guy named Leomar. The band was named Impulse, having two rhythm guitarists, one on the lead, a drummer, and two female vocalists. The vocalists and the drummer may have blown the performance, the seniors that time said that the guitarists were perfect. Impulse performed a song we composed with another classmate of ours who's not in the band. The song was about eating healthy and stuff. You may say it's lame, but we performed it to the tune of 'Your Guardian Angel' by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

     The band was a one-shot deal, and we never played again. Doesn't hurt, but those guys are pissing me off with that memory, they always make it look like I was the only one who wanted to join, and that I played bad but I know I didn't though we didn't win against seniors.

     I remember that guy named Cholo, who kinda broke both of the guitars we have. He accidentally removed the first string of my mom's guitar when I brought it to school. I think he was showing off, using power chords, strumming hard, and all to be able to remove that string. I'd be able to understand that back then if he apologized for doing so, but instead of doing that, he just put the guitar back to its case and didn't plan on telling me about it. But I caught him putting it back and I saw the broken string hanging out of the case while the guitar was not fully in its case. On our second year in high school, he was my classmate in the first section again, and during our school's intramurals, he used my guitar (the green one, the one that's really mine), without asking permission and he mocked me when I told him that he should have asked me to use it. I could not do anything more so I let him play, but what I couldn't take the most was when he was done playing, he lay it on a mono-bloc chair and it slipped down to the cement. I just saw my guitar lying on the side of the cement, with that large crack between the end of the fret board and the machine head. He didn't tell me that it happened and that it was his fault, and after years, he could not even have that humility borrowing my mom's guitar again. I'm glad we don't go to the same college now, but I see him frequently, either around Mapua, beside my school, or in SM Manila. Whenever I see him, he really gets on my nerves, giving me that urge to just strangle him right then and there.

     This guitar in the picture, is the graduation gift given to me by my parents for the 4 years of high school I survived without getting any grades on my card on any subject in the line of 7. I named this baby Nathan. I chose that name because I read an e-book with Nathan as the brother of the leading lady in the story, with his lines in blue, and my electric guitar was dark blue, same shade as the text color used in Nathan oppa's dialogues.

     My mom's guitar, now I suppose it is mine already, since she doesn't use it anymore, I named Amads, after that guy in my organization who resembles my guy friend.

Only this for now, quite long, I know, I'm sorry. but this is the start of my uhmmm ...musicianhood? Haha, I now consider this a term referring to the 'musician part of one's life' . :D

Good Night. ^_^